Home 4 months and ...

It's been a long time since I have written here. I do apologise, I've been a bit busy.

I've been home for a little over four months now. After finishing up in Takaoka I went to Nagasaki for three days of what turned out to be a lot of soul searching. During that time my sister got engaged to her boyfriend and announced that in 2011 I am going to be doing some traveling that I had not budgeted for.

Nagasaki proved to be an overwhelmingly awesome time for me. Three days of touristing, traveling and learning about the history of Japan's international involvement left me wanting more. I am now watching my way through Ryomaden thanks to dramacrazy.net. Ryomaden is about Sakamoto Ryoma and his involvement in kickstarting the Meiji Restoration a lot of which was sparked in Nagasaki.

Nagasaki made me realise my own mortality too and how important it is to be prepared to lay your life down for whatever cause you are involved with, be that your hobbies, your city, your country or your own spirituality. The place was full of stories of passionate people who died doing what they loved, fighting for their freedom or simply loving where they are from. It was really powerful for me to be there and become more and more connected to Japan through knowledge of its history and I have been doing a lot more of that since I have been home too.

After Nagasaki I stayed with my host family just outside of Osaka in Nara Prefecture. That was a really special time too and I learned a lot. They gave me so much from taking me to Ise to helping me cancel my cellphone which was a disaster and something I am still working on. Softbank and any other telco must be treated with distrust in my opinion. But my host family helped me to see some more of the history of Kansai and to really enjoy Osaka for my last few days in Japan. It was a really special time and I don't think I will ever forget it. In fact I don't see myself forgetting Japan any time soon to be honest. The JET Programme was totally worth it!

I came home and quickly got into my studies. During my last month in Japan I started a post graduate diploma in Environmental Management with the first class I took being Maori Values and Resource Management. That class was one of the best I have ever taken and made me feel so much more connected to the place I am from.

I have caught up with friends from intermediate school, high school and university. Not mention reconnecting with my mother's side of the family which has been really cool since I am by far the youngest cousin. I am definitely looking forward to more time with friends and family as I settle into whatever it is I am meant to do.

I have also been job hunting with 4 interviews in 4 months and not one of them accepting me which is actually fine because I think the universe is pointing me down a path which is ultimately going to give me a career that I can be completely passionate about and give me all to. The last thing I want out of life is to be doing something that I don't actually care about.

More about what I plan to do in 2011 closer to 2011. It's not set in stone yet.

Have a lovely day!

Raewyn

I have since found out...

As an addendum to what I wrote this morning I need to apologise for having been in my own little world so much last year that I missed something huge.

The man playing the digereedoo on that boat in Antarctica was one Peter Malcolm. He was an amazing man the likes of whom I have yet to meet again. I found out this afternoon that he died in June 2009. His impact on my life, in the short 10 days that I spent with him in Antarctic waters was huge. His words of encouragement helped me face some fears and gave me a new mantra to live by. When I'm in the middle of one of my panic attacks, which have been happening a fair bit recently the words 'Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real' spring into my head (eventually) and help me to calm down. He said that to me before I climbed aboard the cargo ship containing the garbage we had gone to King George Island to remove and I have never forgotten it. I will never forget it.

There were a few instances like that and I am so happy to have known him.

Rest In Peace, Peter. I fear you may have died not knowing how you helped me and the impact that you are having on my life even now, 8 years after I first met you and more than a year after you died. Sorry I never kept in touch. Raewyn

My 2 cents

With only 8 days before I leave Takaoka I thought it was time I let you all know how the past 2 years has affected the course of my life. I have annual leave to use so from Wednesday this week I am going to have plenty of time to write about that.

Today, I am going to put my 2 cents into the whaling issue. It is something that prior I might have supported whole heartedly (the cause of Sea Shepherd) but now, having spent 2 years learning about this culture and these people I think my heart has changed slightly. Only slightly mind you.

2 years ago, my main experience with the issue was an experience I had just off the coast of the Antarctic Peninsula on board the yacht 2041. Our expedition leader had brought his digereedoo and decided to play it for the whales, as it had worked in the past. Within minutes of him starting to play a humpback whale approached the boat with her child. She was literally 6 feet away from me, sticking her head out of the water so that we could see each other. I looked right into the eye of this whale who had come to listen to the amazing music being played from the boat. Then I saw the baby. It was at that point that I swore I never wanted to see anything bad happen to these majestic creatures. I explained this to my Japanese friend last night too. She completely understood my view point.

However, I then proceeded to explain to her that my country was founded on whaling and sealing too. Whales and seals are so majestic and beautiful that I don't understand how anyone would want to kill them. But it happens and there are reasons for it. Hear me out here...

The Japanese are by in large opposed to whaling. They don't agree with what the government is trying to do and certainly some of them disagree with this 'it's our culture' line that's being used. Guess what guys, it's not their culture. Sure it is for some areas but it is not for all of Japan. Certainly people in Toyama prefer to upset the mating rituals of firefly squid for their delicacies. Many don't agree that it's right to go all the way to the whale sanctuary in the Southern Ocean to take whales either. But get this: A westerner suggested they use whale as a good source of protein in the first place. (When you want to talk about it being the culture of the whole of Japan). General MacArthur is responsible for whale meat making it onto the school lunch menu!!!! (According to a documentary I saw recently by an international news organisation). And now we, 60 years on, barely 3 generations, are trying to tell them to stop. Umm, yeah, sure, that computes... not. It took the West a darn sight more than 3 generations to stop whaling in the South Pacific and Southern Ocean too.

I agree that we should try to convince the Japanese to stop whaling, but we should also be doing the same with Iceland and Norway too. However, I also agree with the Japanese side here, the only illegal thing they're doing is going to the Southern Ocean to take them. That's unprofitable anyway! I don't know why they do it. They would be better off taking whales from the coast line of Japan. There are enough whales on the coast of Japan to satisfy what they need for 'research' and in a much cheaper, more traditional way. This going to the Southern Ocean thing is not their ancient tradition.

It is Japanese tradition to view whales as something that the universe has given them as a source of food though. To them, whales are not mammals, they live in the sea therefore they are fish. Until they can be convinced otherwise we will not see an end to whaling. The Japanese government is incredibly stubborn on this one.

So, I guess the past two years has changed me slightly. I could never see the Japanese side before I came here. I would laugh at the protesters standing outside the Majestic Centre in Wellington at street level when the Japanese Embassy is much higher up, but I sympathised with them. Now, I don't have so much sympathy because they are not understanding both sides and they're approaching it the wrong way (they can't hear you 18 floors up people!).

Some of my friends have pointed out that they agree with everything Pete Bethune stands for and with what he did by getting arrested and getting attention for his cause. I don't entirely disagree with his cause. I want to see an end to whaling too. If I could foresee this generation of Japanese giving up something they've had access to their whole lives I would agree that the New Zealand government is 'not doing enough'. BUT I really do disagree with Mr Bethune's methods and his line that the NZ government didn't do anything for him and is not doing anything for the whales either. The Japanese do not respond to violence or confrontation, I've tried that tactic myself at work and it doesn't work. I do, however, agree with what the Australian government is trying to do. What the Japanese are doing in the Southern Ocean, in International waters, in the Whale Sanctuary, is illegal and they should be taking to task for it. I also agree with what NZ is trying to do through the IWC. The plan to get whaling out of international waters and reduce it to local whaling is a good plan too. I foresee the demand for whale meat decreasing as the price goes up (simple economics) and it eventually not being profitable to 'fish' for them. I also foresee it decreasing as people become more and more aware of the inhumane methods that are used to take whales.

I think we all need to take a step back and look at it from all sides. I mean we eat beef, lamb, mutton, venison... how is that any different? AND there is a reason the slaughter of these animals is done behind closed doors too... in the whaling case doing it in the Southern Ocean prevents the Japanese seeing the very upsetting way their meat is caught.

I explained all of this to my friend who is from the generation who got it in her school lunch post war and she completely agreed with me. She remembers it being tough and not particularly tasty. She sure as heck doesn't want it on her plate and she sure as heck doesn't want the government of her country saying that it's her culture because it isn't. Fish is, whale is not.

Whaling should be stopped, yes, but a certain government needs convincing first and that my friends is where diplomacy comes in. Let the diplomats who know this country best do their jobs and we might see some results.

And that has been my 2 cents for the day.

I just got punched by a student... 6 weeks left in Japan.

Over the last 21 months I’ve found myself questioning cultural elements again and again. There’s a kid in one of my elementary school classes who always acts out. He just told me to die, twice. Then he flipped me the bird. So I stood beside his desk like a South Korean soldier in the demilitarized zone and didn’t stand for it. Then I spoke to the teacher and she told me that the kid has no father. I went back to his desk when the other kids were performing and made sure he let them because I’ve gotten sick of his acting out.

He then proceeded to kick my feet. When I didn’t react he grabbed the bag that has his placemat for school lunch in it and hit me with that to no avail, it’s soft, no worries at all. The next thing I know he’s attempting to punch me! I jumped out of the way of course, quite the fan of boxing as exercise even though I don’t actually do it and know when getting out of the way is required. When he missed I put my hand up for him and told him to go ahead. He punched me 4 times with progressive strength. I figured it was best to let him do it.

I am a little upset, though. Whilst my mother assures me that I dealt with the kid the best way possible, it erks me that this kid clearly isn’t getting the help that he needs to deal with the loss of his father, however that might have come about. A teacher shouldn’t need to be considering borrowing her friends boxing pads so that the kid can have an outlet for his anger each week. Mechanisms should be in place for dealing with kids like these.

Back home I have numerous friends (and a good percentage of my family) from single parent households who have turned out ok, or even gone on to have very successful lives. They know who they are and I am immensely proud of them. It breaks my heart to think that this boy is going the right way towards having a really tough life.

In 6 weeks I will leave this place for one where I can actually do something to help troubled kids or whatever. Where I can say something to make them feel better. Where I can actually explain why I am standing beside their desk hovering. Where I’ll be able to teach people who WANT to learn.

This week I am lamenting the apparent collapse in society that is meaning that more and more children are left without fathers, either through divorce, death or otherwise. This week all illusions about what a ‘perfect’ society Japan is have been relegated to was. This week in light of certain world events too, I realise that elements of this place that are tough to deal with are not going to change. I’m realising that maybe I’ve grown up a lot over the last 2 years. Things that used to irritate me no end are no longer getting to me and things like getting punched by a student whilst interesting and slightly upsetting are no biggie anymore.

Being able to brush things off like water off a duck’s back is certainly something that JET has helped me to learn. I think I can go home in 6 weeks proud of the last two years and that is a good feeling.

6 weeks of work in Japan left...

Time for some more reflections.

With less than 6 weeks to go in this job I'm starting to feel like I might miss it. I've been really busy of late and have started trying to organise to meet up with people whom I feel have been a real positive influence on my time here but have moved schools or are not associated with any of my schools. I'm starting to realise how daunting this prospect is and am thinking of setting up a management system to try to see everyone whilst maintaining a) my physical health and b) my financial health. If that means that I'm going to have to miss some JET activities in the process then so be it. Sorry JET friends, I love you but my Japanese friends will be very disappointed if I don't see them and spend all my time with you.

Over the years of moving around, first to the US as a kid, then back to NZ then changing schools then going away for university, moving to Wellington, then coming here. I've come to realise how easy it can be to just lose touch. It's strange how that happens so often. So, as part of my efforts to keep in touch with people I am planning a whole series of catch ups with the vice principal who gave me a hug the second she met me, to the crazy English teacher who is still trying to convert me to her brand of Buddhism, to the friend whom a friend introduced me to. I'm making lists. I'm going to try to see one or two of them each weekend that I have remaining, bar this weekend because I am broke and need a rest. It's going to be my mission in life to attempt to keep my ties to Takaoka and Toyama, I guess time will tell.

In the coming weeks I have JET events pouring out my ears. I have a plan to climb Hakusan on July 10th. I have the Japanese Language Proficiency Test on July 4th. I have MUCH going on. Not to mention needing to pack.

My days in my schools are numbered now. That scares me. Yesterday, my colleague and I realised that I only have one more full day at my once every 2 weeks primary school. I walked out of there just a little subdued. Just now my 3rd grade class forgot about me and I'm a little bit sad. Next time, I will remind the teacher because that is going to be my last class with them, my second and last class with them. Scary thought.

The thing is though, that I'm glad I'm leaving now. One more year here and I feel like I would form too much of an attachment to too many people. Leaving at the two year point means that I've made lasting friendships but won't cry my eyes out when I go. I WILL cry my eyes out when I say goodbye to my 'host family' in Kansai but I don't know how much I'm going to cry when I actually go. I say all this now but I'm an incredibly loyal person and emotional when I leave people and places, so we shall see soon enough.

More reflections soon... if I find the time.

Rae

2 months left: Reflecting...

I only have 2 months of this experience to go.

I almost can’t believe that on Saturday June 5^th 2010 I will only have 2 months left in Japan. The past 2 years have absolutely flown by.

The people around me seem to have not noticed that ALT san is leaving. That or they know and just don’t want to admit it, which would warm my heart no end.

Lately, at times when I have no classes to teach, I’ve been reflecting on my time on the JET Programme. What it has done for me as a person. What it has done for my students and colleagues. What impact have I had on them? What impact have they had on me? I’m inclined to say that the answers to these questions will not be fully clear until I return home. One night when I’m sitting in Dad’s armchair with the cat on my lap watching TV it will all become clear, I’m sure of it. At least that’s what I hope.

Looking back, I have this haze of emotional ups and downs. A blur of classes, students and people; of fun, farce and fear. My life in Japan has been a rollercoaster that has taught me so much about myself. It’s tested my limits. It’s taught me my downfalls. I like to think that it has strengthened me as a person and solidified who I am.

For me the JET experience has been as much about being an expat as it has about living in Japan. It has forced me to interact with people that I might never have been friends with back home and it has taught be to stand on my own two feet as me, Raewyn.

More than anything it has taught me to make an impact. To get out there and do stuff to help where help is needed.

A friend of mine, she knows who she is, told me in a Facebook message during my first year when I told her that I had decided to stay for a second year, to not stay away too long because ‘New Zealand needs you’. I have no idea what she meant by that or what she sees in me that I don’t. But I can tell you one thing, I know more about who the ‘you’ is that she was referring to.

I’m sure one day all will become clear. What did she mean? What did she see that I don’t? What am I supposed to do? I honestly, have no clue right now.

There will be more of these musings over the next few months I think as my experience comes to a close. Just now though, I have packing, studying and selling to do.

Anyone want any of my books? My heater? My tofu-san soap dispenser?

Reflections on Korea

It is well known that when I travel I have the tendency to get all big eyed and want to know everything about every person near me. I want to get to know the people so I can learn about the culture. I try wherever possible to delve deep into the culture and reflect on it. When I went to Antarctica I had a lot to reflect on, a lot of thinking to do and a lot to assess. I almost feel the same about this trip to Korea. I had a really intense whirlwind experience. I feel like I didn’t get to delve into the culture as much as I would have liked to but I did get to go deep into one aspect which I wanted to know more about.

I come from a military family. Three generations of my family have served New Zealand overseas as part of our forces. I grew up being dragged to battlefields around the US and going to air shows and historic places all over NZ. I am also the second generation of my immediate family to have been to Antarctica.

I am known to care just a lot about everyone I come into contact with too. If you are my friend you are my friend. I will do almost anything for you… except share my food when I am hungry… I will die for you but I will not share my gyoza, get it?!

So when I go on trips or tours like the one to the Korean DMZ I need to take a step back and reflect on the experience. I need to process it and put it into the context of my life and how I live it.

Going to the DMZ was the fulfilment of a dream. I can now say that I have faced North Korea and shown no fear, even if they were only watching us from afar.

What struck me when I was there was that I was actually there. I couldn’t believe that I was standing beside the table on the wrong side of the demarcation line with an RoK soldier blocking the door to the DPRK.

The next thing that struck me was that these men stand at ease but aware all day, no toilet breaks, just watching, keeping their eyes on their ideological rivals.

What I thought while looking at the bridge of no return was ‘I wonder what went through the heads of the prisoners of war who were given the choice of walking north or south never to walk in the opposite direction ever again. How did they choose one?’

In the gift shop I wondered whether I was doing the right thing buying DPRK money and stamps, I still do wonder a little.

On the way back to Seoul, I thought, ‘d**n I want a choco-pie!’

Upon my return to Japan I gave my host father my brown envelope. Told him to look at the contents inside. As he pulled out the set of DPRK notes and stamps and the UN Declaration absolving them of responsibility should something happen his father got all excited and insisted on being shown everything. He was very proud of us. He thought it was great that I had dragged his granddaughter on this tour. I’m not entirely sure why but I suspect it might be something to do with us getting a better understanding of war and what it’s like to live with that fear of ‘I could be shot at any second’, perhaps.

Grandpa’s reaction got me thinking about why I wanted to go to the DMZ, what I wanted out of that experience and what I got out of that experience.

One of the reasons I go places is to say that I have been there yes, it’s true, I went to Paris because one day in 2001 Mr Buckley asked me in Theory of Knowledge class ‘how do you know that Paris exists if you have never been there?’… thank you philosophy, now I want to go everywhere to prove that it exists!

The second and most important reason I go places is to gain understanding. Seeking to understand a place, a situation or a culture is something that is important to me. Once I understand them I can try to make them understand me. That is the main reason I went to the DMZ. I wanted to know why this technical state of war is still in existence and how the South Koreans deal with that. I wanted to see for myself what it is that makes this place so tense and so important. I wanted to feel what the men whose job it is to safe guard the Republic of Korea from ‘the hermit country’ feel.

I know I can never fully understand but I do know that the tension I was experiencing for the short time I was there is a tension that those men experience every second that they are on duty. I say men, but really some of them are just boys doing their 2 years military service so they can get on with their lives. I would say that many, if not most, of them were younger than me. I feel lucky to be a woman when I think about that (because South Korean women do not need to do their two years by law). I feel even luckier to come from New Zealand where military service is a choice rather than a legal obligation.

During my ponderings about Grandpa’s reaction I realised that for those men that war is real. For me at the time that war felt real. Coming out of the JSA I did feel a sense of relief. Just feeling the eyes our security guard on me and seeing his pistol in its holster was a little unnerving I do have to admit.

When I put myself in the shoes of the men and women who live in the villages inside the DMZ I wonder what it’s like to have to be guarded whilst tending your crops. I wonder how I would feel if I lived facing the threat of the DPRK each and every day. I can’t really fathom how they must feel. I can’t grasp it.

It floors me to think that just down the Unification Highway is Seoul. That these people can just get on with their lives not showing any fear. Just about forgetting that there’s barbed wire fences and guard posts just up the road. While I was getting my nails done in Myeongdong just an hour’s drive away a man was standing half covered by building, watching enemy soldiers watching him. It also floors me that it has been like this for the best part of 60 years. I just find it all so hard to grasp. I’m trying though, it just might take a bit more reflection.

What I did get to understand though, was how the South Koreans seem to bear no animosity towards their civilian North Korean neighbours. How they want them to share in the freedoms and prosperity that they have. How they see them as (and may well be in actuality) family. How they want to be re-united. How they want them to sit down at the table and share in a chocopie. And with that I am going to reach into my Lotte Duty Free bag and eat me a Lotte Chocopie.

In the spirit of South Korean kindness. Chocopies for everyone!!!